Tuesday, August 12, 2014

It's been a month

It has been actually over a month since Battley went to Heaven.  Thank you all so much for all you have done for us...the meals, the texts, the calls, the visits, PRAYING for us...it all means so much and we really feel loved.  THANK YOU!

I don't have anything super profound to say.  We are still in shock and it doesn't seem real at times.  Adam and I are giving ourselves time.  Time to be sad if we want to...time to laugh...time to be grouchy...whatever.  We are going easy on us...including the boys.

You have asked if I will continue to blog...I don't know.  I have some things I do want to say.  Typing them is sometimes more than I can do right now though.  After that I just don't know.  You have asked if I will go back to work...I don't know.  We are praying that the Lord will guide us in what to do now in this very different phase.  For now I do know that we are (as a friend says) walking it out...walking out our grief daily...heck...hourly.  And as she says...if you catch me in a moment, please just hug and pat.

I have said this a lot over the past few weeks, so please forgive if you have heard it before: I used to think that people "those people" who had lost a child had some sort of enlightenment that none of the rest of "us" had.  Like they knew some magic words to say to someone who has dealt with some kind...any kind...of grief.  Well....won't be the first time, but I was wrong...WRONG!  I read the following and want to share it because it is SO TRUE!  PEOPLE...let's give ourselves a break...just saying "I am sorry" is good.  NO words will "help" and that's okay...just knowing friends are there means all it can mean at the time and that is GOOD ENOUGH!   

C

When your friend is in the depths of grief, especially when it comes to the loss of a baby or child, there is nothing that you can say that will make the situation any better. That is the truth right there. There is no "At Least" There is no "Silver Lining". There is just a bitter, cold darkness. Unless you can bring their loved one back, let go of the urge to try and come up with something profound or wise to say that is going to magically change the situation. Giving out advice is not going to help unless your friend specifically asks for it. Why? Because when you are in the depths of grief, there is no light and nothing helps. It is just the reality of grief and it is normal. So instead of trying to fix your friend, sit down with them in the dark. Let them hold onto you. While you both might be standing in the same place with a solid ground beneath you, their ground feels as though it is moving and breaking all around them. It is unstable and unpredictable. It is all that they can concentrate on.

So often people believe they have to try and make their friend feel better. They have to make them happy again. What they don't know is that the easiest option of how to help is the only one that usually makes a difference. All you have to do is sit with your friend and acknowledge that yes, this is truly awful and that you are there for them. Avoid "at least" at all costs. These two words are so incredibly damaging. When you use them you are basically telling your friend that they should not feel the way they do.

Allow your friend to speak their heart. Let them cry and be angry. Don't change the subject. Let them be the one to do that. Be honest with them, if you don’t know what to say, just tell them that. Let them know that you are there for them and that you are sorry that you do not have the words to make things better. Your honesty is appreciated.

If you can sit in the dark with your friend and just listen to them without judging them or making them feel like they should be happy because of whatever reason, then you are a wonderful friend. Just wrap your arms around them and give them a hug.

Be patient and forgiving. Your friend is in the darkest of places and unless you have been there yourself, you cannot comprehend what they are enduring. Don't wait for the old friend to come back. They are long gone. Your friend is a different person now and that is not a bad thing - it is just a different thing. They must learn how to live again and that takes time.

I hope I have made some sort of sense here. My mind is a little fuzzy since it is 2am but this is what is on my heart at the moment and I felt drawn to share this tonight.

With love,

CarlyMarie

{Website} http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/