Chapstick and Shopping Carts

What is your favorite store?  Mine is Target.  

Since I live in a house with a husband, a teenage son, and two male dogs I sometimes need to take a break from all the testosterone.  Target is my hang out for such times.  

Don't get me wrong...I don't mind that our garage constantly smells like sweaty socks and dirty cleats 

OR that our TV only seems to get ESPN and the History channel (they do watch Project Runway with me though the few times a year it comes on with minimal ugly comments)

OR that I sometimes catch them eating like cave men

it's just that sometimes I need a break from the MAN stuff.

It was on one such outing a few weeks ago that I was browsing the office supply aisle at Tar-jay when this happened:

I looked down the aisle to see a lady pass with her cart and about 5 steps behind her came a little girl (maybe 4 or 5 years old) with a baby stroller.  What was in the baby stroller?  Her Gogurt of course!  She had it strapped right in, but unfortunately the baby doll didn't want to sit still on top of the box of Gogurt and went flying across the floor.  The mom simply stopped, helped buckle baby back in, and off they went.  Sounds really simple, huh?

Side note: when Hayden was 4 or 5 the only way I could get him to tag along to Tar-jay was bribery in the form of popcorn.  He wanted to be in the cart...with his Target popcorn...and do not bother him until it was time to get back in the car...he was busy with the popcorn.  He, of course, was never interested in pushing a baby stroller or the mini shopping carts at the grocery store.

Back home after Target trip: our counselor ***warning: ADD moment here...Do you call it counseling or therapy?  I told Adam that after what we paid for counseling we should call it therapy...it sounds more spa-like or something the Real Housewives would have***

so our counselor told us that part of the process we are going to have to go through right now is grieving the loss of the life we imagined for Battley.  Another tid-bit she mentioned...and was Spot On!...was that we may have trouble sleeping with all the millions of thoughts we would have in the coming weeks.  2-5:30am seems to be my time.

So I'm laying in bed that night and all I can think of is this precious little girl pushing her Gogurt in the stroller.  I think I cried about that for...well, I won't say here...but a while.  I was so sad about the fact that our baby girl may not be able to push a mini shopping cart in the grocery store.

Fast forward to the next sleepless night...I reach for my chapstick.  It smells so good.  I was fascinated by my mother's lipstick when I was little...chapstick is more my style now.  Anyways, I spend the next while grieving the loss of her not being able to love chapstick the way I do.

My best friend gave me a journal after we learned of Battley's diagnosis.  Again, I'm not a writer, but love to make lists...feels so good to check stuff off the list.

The next day I decided it was time to break out that journal and make a list of all the things I wanted Battley to experience that she may never get to do:

push a mini shopping cart in the grocery store

put on chapstick

take a bubble bath

have a favorite baby doll

have a tea party

learn to swim

have a favorite book

make a fort under the dining room table

go for a boat ride

the list goes on for pages...

This was cheap therapy.

Back to today: I've taken my list and prayed for Battley's healing.

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."  Matthew 17:20

I've heard people say "It's God's will" or "I'll just leave it up to God" when faced with a serious illness or tragedy. Don't fall into that trap. God wants us to pray to him for help. In Luke 18:1 Jesus told his disciples that they "should always pray and not give up." and then Jesus asked "...will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night?" Pray to God from your heart for healing. Don't stop. Don't give up. God wants us to ask him for help. He loves us.

I hope that if anyone who reads this is going through a hard time like we are that you not give up on God.  I hope you don't lie awake at night for a moment without talking to Him.

C